Ellen Degeneres on Creation
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Monica Piper on Dating
A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. A woman already knows.

Mike Binder on Dating
I date this girl for two years....and then the nagging begins...."I want to know your name!"

Carrie Snow on Male Gynecologists 
Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car.

Drew Carey on Sex
I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

Dave Barry on Life
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Fran Lebowitz on Growing up
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Whitney Brown on Vegetarianism
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Lily Tomlin on God
Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Lily Tomlin on Success
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Will Rogers on Government
There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

John Barrymore on Women
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.

Zsa Zsa Gabor on Housekeeping
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

Frank Zappa on Rock Journalism
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.

Clint Eastwood on Gun Control
I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it.

Albert Einstein on War
I don't know how the third world war will be fought, but I do know that the fourth one will be fought with sticks and stones.

Redd Foxx on Health Nuts
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Rodney Dangerfield on Sex
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

E. E. Cummings on Finances
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Mae West on Evil 
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Charles Manson on Parole
I don't want parole, I'm too busy working on my website.

Nora Ephron on Pregnancy
If pregnancy were a book, they would cut out the last two chapters.

Tim Leary on Women
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Schweitzer on Healing
We physicians do nothing, we only help and encourage the physician within.

Ghandi On the Power of Touch
May the work of your hands be a sign of gratitude and reverence to the human condition.

S. G. Tallentyre on Freedom of Speech
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
(This quote is commonly attributed to Voltaire, but it is not found in his writing.)

Democritus 460-360 B.C.
“Man is a universe in small.”
“For all men the good and the true are the same, but what is pleasant varies.”